T Minus One Week

He's still this baby...to me.

This beautiful baby boy came slowly into our world on March 2, 2001. He arrived a beautiful shade of cerulean blue after having his cord around his neck for what seemed like an eternity. He couldn't keep himself warm, so they put him under a heat lamp, not unlike the ones that keep your iHop pancakes warm until your waitress gets off her smoke break. The nurses attached a tiny metal heart to him to monitor his temperature, I never took my eyes off of him. To me, he was perfection in an 8 pound package and up to that point, he was the only thing I'd ever done right. I remember with perfect clarity, a few days after taking him home, laying on the bed with him. We were both sick, I had the mother of all ear infections and he had jaundice...I may have been hallucinating from the cocktail of pain meds and exhaustion, but I could have sworn he looked up and smiled at me. In that moment, I made an audible promise to him...that no matter what, how or where, I would always, always, always take care of him...I was his mommy.

Fast forward 19 years to March 2, 2020...Gabriel Joseph begins the walk of a lifetime, literally. His permit for the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) just happens to start on his birthday this year. I so wish I could go back, if only just one year, to when we were driving to San Antonio to celebrate his 18th at Fiesta Texas and gorging ourselves on fired shrimp and mountains of french fries. It sounds so much better than driving him to the southern terminus, along the Mexican border wall south of San Diego....and watching him walk, away.

He put off attending Embry Riddle Aeronautical University in Daytona Beach for a year to make this dream a reality. Up until recently, he worked in Oklahoma, mechanic-ing with my uncle to try to earn enough money for his gear and his zero days...we're talking hard work . We're talking hot, in the dirt, under a backhoe, oil in your face kind of work. I've been supportive. I've put on my best poker face. I've convinced folks who believe that putting off college, working and hiking are terrible ideas... that he would in fact be fine. I've watched videos with him, I've researched gear and I've known this day was coming. But Oh...Dear...God. I'm not ready. He wants it more than anything, but still, I AM. NOT. READY....

I told Gabe I was going to start this blog, mostly because there are so many friends and family who want to keep up with his journey. I told him I was going to call it "Confessions of a Terrified Mommy." He replied, "Ok, but do you have to use the word mommy?"...."Use what word?" I asked...............I just wanted to hear him say it again. Mommy.

Sometimes when we talk about it, I'm all in - 100% excited for him, because HIS excitement and enthusiasm are as contagious the plague. Other times, I just sit and cry like a three day old jaundiced baby. He doesn't understand. Deep down I know that he just doesn't get it... he's not a parent, he's never experienced love like this. He asks why I'm crying, I attempt (and fail) to explain it through the tears, then he laughs at me like any typical teenage boy. I explain that in my mind, he's still this baby, that needs his mommy. I explain that I taught him to eat, drink, walk, talk, read. I remind him of the hundreds of hockey games I've sat through, the late night homework marathons I pushed him through. I remind him that he is my heart walking around outside of my body. He is my heart walking away from the Mexican border into the darkness and out of reach.

I try to remember, he is ready, he has been hiking and camping, canoeing and swimming, beaching and fishing and backroading his ENTIRE life.

I try to remember to have faith in all of the things I taught him, the things the village taught him. I try to remember that he is super smart and mature...but the nagging fact that his prefrontal cortex wont be fully formed for another 5 or 6 years weighs on me like a two ton necklace. Is he even capable of making rational decisions? Will he be walking with his headphones on jammin some Nirvana and not hear a rattlesnake trying to warn him to back the fuck up? Will he befriend and try to help someone who "appears" to need help but in reality wants to steal his gear and cash? Will he lay there freezing to death at night, afraid to throw in the towel because he doesn't want to be a quitter? Will he need his mommy? Because I won't be there.

As the time gets closer, please think of Gabe and send him all the good vibes in the world. Think of Samo too and how he'll miss his brother, he's in the background right now and the poor kid loves and worries about his big brother. Think of the family who smiles through the fear.....and think of Gabe's mommy as she tries to let go, and watch him walk.