Off He Goes....Again

Goodbyes are hard. But leaving your first born child at the Mexico border wall, so that he can walk through hundreds of miles of desert is a different kind of hard. Of course I am happy for him, he's getting his second chance, he is living his dream, but ouch. The smile on his face as we approached the southern terminus was priceless, contagious...but ouch...my momma heart.

I tried not to cry, too much. Before the judgement and the comments seep in...."he's 24 years old, he's where he wants to be, he's older and smarter than before, you're overprotective"....and all that jazz - hear me when I say, he was the first thing I ever did right. I brought him home from the hospital when he was just born, to my mother's house and he was so incredibly perfect...until he turned yellow. They said he was jaundiced, they said to sit him in the sun - so we did. My mom put his little baby carrier by the big window in her living room and he basked in the sun like a miniature lizard king. Those were hard times, I was about the age he is now and had no idea what to do with a baby. I literally thought I was going to break his arm every time I changed his onesie. But he was mine and he wasn't feeling so great and neither was I. We were laying on the bed in my mother's spare bedroom, alone, and I said to him...aloud, "I promise I will always take care of you, no matter what, you are safe, and I love you." When I left him in the desert today, I felt like I was breaking the promise. The promise was for a lifetime, but here I sit helpless.

We started the day with a quiet calm, Gabe and Bella packed their gear and we left the airbnb quite unceremoniously. We stopped at Chick-Fil-A of course, because what other meal would be the best send off? And we drove to Campo. There was music and some laughter, some brotherly joking back and forth, a little bit of tension, but mostly smiles and an energetic excitement that was palpable in the strangest of ways. Something you want to feel and do not want to feel at the same time.

As we pulled up to the terminus, I was directed where to park and where not not park, all I could do was flash back to 2020 when he started on his 19th birthday and we ate the blue cookie monster cookie cake off of the hood of the rental car. It was the same, but so incredibly different at the same time. Gabe had Bella and I had Samo and there was no birthday cake. In fact, that was probably the last one I was able to give him. We all got out of the rental, Gabe and Bella got their gear and we all walked up a desert hill to the Mexican border wall. The border wall was at least 3 times higher than it was in 2020 - another reminder of how time changes everything.

Gabriel and Bella went to introduce themselves to the terminus hosts and sign the check in books, they received their PCT tags and made their way over to the monument for photos. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion, maybe I willed it that way so that I could be in his presence just a few moments longer. They hopped up on the monument and we took photos, we met Uba, from Germany. I told Uba to look out for my baby, he let me know that he spoke very little English, but wanted to know how old Gabe was. 24. He's only 24. Uba shared that his daughter was 33 and for a moment I felt a peace rush over me, that there was a "dad" on the trail with my kiddo and someone to be an extra set of eyes.

After the obligatory photos, we moved closer to the trailhead for photos and a send off. There are simply not enough hugs. Gabe had a moment alone with his brother, we facetimed my mom and Ron and Rob so that the other people who love this perfect boy as much as I do could say their goodbyes as well. And then it was time. With a wave and a smile, he was off, he was gone, and that was that.

Funny how one person's extreme happiness can conjure tears in another.

So now he walks, we get to watch Gabe walk....."off he goes with his perfectly unkept hope".