Off He Goes...

I've been putting off writing this post....almost like maybe if I didn't write it, it wouldn't happen. But it did, he's gone. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like to have watched him walk away...with 702 miles of desert in front of him. I don't even think it hit me until I got back to the hotel and saw the bed where he slept last night and realized that I may not see him again for a very long time.

I know the facts, I've seen the videos...but surely you heard me mention that I was not ready. Today is Gabe's 19th birthday. I realized as I drove away that I have never been away from him on his birthday before. All of the birthday parties and cookies cakes flashed before my eyes in split second. For a moment I felt sorry for myself, then I realized again that none of this is about me. I realized what a privilege it has been to spend 19 birthdays with this amazing young man. I brought a Cookie Monster cookie cake to the Southern Terminus of the PCT this morning. I lit candles and in the still, quiet, 38 degree morning we ate cookie cake off of the hood of the rental car...because he's still my little boy.

To the south, just a few feet away was the Mexican border wall. I thought about all of the kids on the other side of that wall who have never had a Cookie Monster cookie cake. I thought about kids packing up for a very long journey, for a very different reasons...and I thought about mothers missing their babies. Privilege. I am sad but I am fortunate.

The last few days have been a blur. This departure came and went before I even knew what happened. The tearful goodbyes in Houston were almost as hard as our goodbye this morning. Watching two brothers say farewell put a lump in my throat the size of Texas. Watching my mother fight back the tears, watching Gabe give our dog one last long scratch. It was almost like I could feel the cracks in my heart growing in slow motion.

I always wanted to visit San Diego, but not necessarily under these conditions. I wanted to see the ocean, the zoo, I wanted to feel the perfect weather, I wanted to go to TJ....I wanted to come to San Diego, I just didn't want to leave my baby here. The weekend was exactly what it needed to be. We spent some time getting used to the city, spent some time with the cousin and fed Gabe every chance I got. We walked at the beach, attempted to go whale watching and ventured over to Sunset Cliffs.

As we walked, we came upon a gaping hole in the fence. On the other side of the fence, the cliff dropped off sharply to the rocks and ocean below. As any teenage boy would do, Gabe went right for the hole. Instantly, as any mother would do, I snapped, "Get away from that hole, don't you even think about it." Before the words could even come out of my mouth, I realized that he has 2,600 miles in front of him. Miles where I won't be there to tell him where not to step, what not to eat, who to avoid, how to get where he needs to be. I realized, he no longer needs me...my job as a guide through this life is done...now, I just get to sit back and enjoy the ride with him.

A friend of mine was kind enough to point out that this adventure Gabe is on is all my fault (as if there is fault in something as beautiful as his trip). She pointed out that I am the one that dragged him hiking, camping, canoeing, snorkeling, traveling. I'm the one that took him swimming in the Frio River in the middle of the night with the full moon. I'm the one who took him floating ten miles down the Ouachita before he could even swim or talk for that matter. I insisted we spend summers on Bolivar peninsula, walking the beaches, making sand castles. I'm the one who put him in charge of grilling when he was 8 years old. I'm the one who let him navigate no matter where we went. I'm the one who dragged him up to a hilltop in nowhere Nebraska so that he could see the total solar eclipse. It was me who preached the importance of living this one short life....AND HE LISTENED. So now I watch.

He is gone. And as I sit and wait for word from him, I can only imagine the amazing things he is seeing and doing. I imagine the people he's already met. I wonder who will christen him with his trail name and what it will be. I wonder if he will send me the pictures he promised to send. I wonder if he will catalog the sunrises and sunsets in his brain. I wonder if he'll sit and wish, at least once, that I could see it too.

Fly sweet boy and soak it all up. I love you more than life itself. All I can hear in my head is Eddie Vedder singing "Off He Goes"..... "Off he goes with his perfectly unkept hope... There he goes..And now I rub my eyes for he has returned...Seems my preconceptions are what should have been burned...For he still smiles and he's still strong". Thinking about when I see you again is what will keep this smile on my face. I'm privileged to know you, to love you, to be loved by you...and to be your mommy. Privilege.